Johnson Family 411: July 2011

In some ways, Noah and I live parallel lives. Ha! Ok, maybe not parallel. But with so much focus in our family on Noah's progress and development, I'm realizing and accepting that I'm more of a work in progress than my sweet little bear.

Spring was busy.

Everything has sort of come to a head in the past few weeks, and I've found myself pretty overwhelmed with, well, just life I guess. First off, Noah has had LOTS of therapy, twice a week, and will be evaluated by an OT tomorrow so we can start some occupational therapy as well. But its not the scheduled therapy that's been so exhausting, it's the all day, everyday, forcing him to sign for anything he desires. But I am happy to report... he's made awesome progress! By awesome, I have to say it is definitely a relative term... he is signing "more" and "open", but he is still grabbing my hands to make the signs and is too stubborn to sign them himself. One of his speech therapists Bobbi insists that he is smart enough, and totally knows what to do, but he is remaining in control of the situation by not signing himself and that I just need to be patient and he WILL sign by himself. It is frustrating because I know what he wants, so I will touch his elbows to make him do the sign, but he will just overgeneralize and sign "more" for everything. Or, he will just throw up his hands and run off because he's mad that we're forcing him to do the correct sign. But just the fact that he's trying the sign is huge.

But I can't help but think, okay, now let's move forward, more signs, more babbling... it is difficult to wait and know that he will do it on Noah's time. He needs a little pushing, but for the most part I am trying to remember that when he's ready, and I'm patient and consistent enough, he'll communicate. Some of Noah's team is trying to diagnose him with Sensory Processing Disorder. I'd go in to more detail of this proposed diagnosis, but

He's also making lots of eye contact with not just me, but others too. He is learning to play appropriately with blocks, Mr. Potato Head, and chasing games with Ella. Progress is slow, but it is still progress. I'm learning to rejoice at every success, no matter how small. I forget how behind his development is until we are around other kids his age. I used to compare him to Ella A LOT and what she did at what age, but I quickly realized how unfair and unrealistic that is, for so many reasons. Beckie recently reminded me that Noah is exactly the way God wants him, and he is perfect in every way. I put this quote on the fridge. So much truth, and such a great reminder for me.

Noah is getting ear tubes placed in both ears at the end of the month. At first I didn't think much of the procedure, my attitude was more like, well, he has fluid in there, I guess we should get tubes to drain it! Surprisingly he hasn't had any ear infections, ever, but I thought if Dr. P thinks he needs them, of course we'll get them. But I've since heard numerous stories about kids who weren't talking, even at 3+ years old, and just days after having their ear tubes placed they were babbling more, and then talking up a storm! I am praying this will be the case for Noah; praising God for giving him perfect ears to hear and tongue to speak. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but why not. What I would give to hear Noah say words correctly! To say them at all, really. He is also getting his g-tube site stitched up during his ear tube surgery, not a big deal but it will be so nice to see his sweet belly without that yucky granuloma (scar tissue)!

I'm going through some personal battles lately too, if you wouldn't mind praying for that I would be SO grateful. Starting this week I am only going to work one day a week (because of Noah's surgery and therapy at the end of the month, I am taking an official leave and thus will automatically pass the quarterly hours audit). I am more than looking forward to having more time with my kids, and really being able to focus on my family, being more organized, exercising more, cooking better meals, and being a better wife. I love that with Starbucks, I'm able to only work 20 hours a week and maintain my benefits. But because of Kyle's work, my schedule is all over the place, and I think that's difficult on the kids. Plus, I'm exhausted. Waking up at 3:30 one day, coming home at 10:30 the next, I'm just finding that its unpredictable for the kids, hard to maintain a schedule, and if I don't nap I am not very pleasant to be around! SO not fair to Kyle. Maybe just because I'm too old for this schedule; I used to be able to do it no problem. I did, afterall, turn 28 this year! WHAT!

Financially, we are able to make it work... it will be tight but we can make it work... but our benefits are priceless. It will be interesting to see how everything goes in the next couple of months (I will have to return to 20 hours/week at the end of September). I am praying about maintaining this schedule and finding alternate insurance options. But we will see. I may just go crazy being home this much!

I also had a "falling out" (I hate that phrase, but what else do you call it?) with someone very close to me, that I have been deeply saddened by and have been trying to work through the complicated emotions that have accompanied the loss of relationship. I am surprised at how deeply its affected me. I feel like its affected other relationships in my life, and I feel even more awful about that. I haven't been a good friend to some other very important people in my life.

I think, to sum it up, I just feel like a mess. I know that God is working on me, stretching me, teaching me... in some ways I feel like I have grown so much as a person and learned so much in this short life of mine that I am strong, I can handle things with control, poise, confidence... but in the past few weeks I'm remembering and accepting that I am SO broken. Beyond broken. I am such a work in progress, and I will never be done growing, maturing, falling down and leaning on the cross to get back on my feet. I want to appear like I've got it all together. I think in a way, we all do. But when you can admit that you don't, there is freedom. Knowing that there is no possible way for me to be every little thing I want to be. And then being okay with who I am, who God has created me to be. That is enough, because His grace is sufficient for any amount that I fall short. If we're close to perfect or far far away from it. It JUST. DOESN'T. MATTER. It's been a very beautiful reminder of my reliance on the Lord.

For the past couple weeks, I have said this to myself over and over throughout the day when I have felt like a dork, or just weak, or like a failed friend, mom, wife, whatever.

His mercies are new every morning. (Somewhere in Lamentations)

No matter what happened the day before, or how I've failed, or said something I shouldn't have, or didn't react in a Christ-like way, or felt insecure about something, or didn't react in the best way to something the kids did or didn't do,

His mercies are new every morning.

It's such a refreshing reminder. Between this, and Psalm 23.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.

My refuge...

Oh, did I mention we put the TV in the garage for the summer!? Ahhh! It has been fabulous. I really think this has contributed positively to Noah's strides in speech. I don't know how long it will last (maybe we can bring it in for a friday night movie night, then I have a feeling that will become an every other night movie night thing, etc)! Ha.