I'm frustrated because I feel rushed to finish school. Over the past few weeks I've been finding myself scrambling, pondering over the school's schedule to try and swing it so I can graduate in Spring '09 rather than Fall '09. Trying different combinations of classes that would work, and creating several sample schedules for myself that would push me straight to the "edge" with my toes hanging over but not quite falling off. Not to mention the stress that it could put my family through and the sadness I will feel being away from Ella for a much longer period of time than she and I are both used to.
Not that I just want it to be over with-- I honestly really enjoy it once I get over my liberal teachers' schools of thought and their politically charged lectures :) I love the environment and I've met some great people in my classes that have really encouraged me and made my brain work hard. Some of you already know how anxious I am to have another baby, but realize that if I don't finish school before another one comes, it will be difficult to go back. But at the same time, I don't want Ella and #2 to be that far apart in age. If I wait until after fall of '09 to graduate, they will be at least 3 1/2 years apart, which is much farther than I would like. Plus, I will have to return to Starbucks for benefits before we have another baby! UGH. I know we can only try to plan our lives so much, and God just laughs at us. I want to be responsible with my precious time but serve Him by being good at the most important roles He's given me: a wife and mommy. I feel that by finishing my degree I am making the best decision for my family in the long run so that I can get a good job doing something I love once my littlest one has begun kindergarten (unless I homeschool, then what's this all for?? Who am I kidding, homeschooling would be disastrous for me. I'm so jealous of moms who can do it!). So that will be... in like 8 or 9 years!
But amidst all these goals and trying to do what's best for my family and my sanity, I'm giving myself big fat migraines! Maybe this, how bout this, oh this would work, eh, no. How 'bout this? Or this? AHHH! I wish I didn't have so many choices. I wish God would just put the courses I should take, how many of them, and at what times with the easiest teachers, minimizing the amount of time I spend studying and maximizing my time with my family, right in front of my thick skull. Meanwhile blessing me with a wonderfully surprising pregnancy that would, yet again, place school on the backburner and family right in front. Right where it should be to begin with.
The solution seems clear. I want family to be #1 and school to be #2. But with a little over a year left, it is such an attainable goal, and I feel like I need to honor God for giving me this opportunity to further my education and honor my husband for faithfully understanding how important this goal is to me and for supporting our family 100% financially while I pursue it all. I know it will be worth it once its over. I just need help learning to relax and to trust that all will be complete in His timing, that I need to depend on Him with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind; and not my knowledge of the way things "should" be, and that babies will come when they're supposed to, and school will be finished when its supposed to. It is my prayer that He remove all selfish motives and tendencies to rely on myself and what I think is best. Lord I pray that I learn to seek you FIRST, believe your word, and trust You for the outcome.
Who cares if I don't pick the quickest, most painless path? Lord, help me to see clearly your path for me. Even if its just enough light for the step I'm on. Help me to realize it is not just about attaining that degree, planning those babies, whatever...it is learning to depend on you every single day, in every single aspect of my life.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Well, my friend, I think you're definitely on the right track. I do understand how hard the balance is between goals, dreams, and the practicality of life. I look at you, though, and I see a woman who fulfills her role in life as a wife and mommy like a pro. Not to mention your role as a daughter of the King. I admire the way you are always seeking His Face and His will for your life, always putting Him first, always willing to sacrifice your desires for His. That is a legacy you are going to be able to hand down to Ella, #2 and any others, as you raise them and bring them up in the light of His love.
We are praying for you with all of these hard decisions, but know that you are going to make all of the right choices. You are a blessing to everyone in your life, Andie! We are all so happy to share in "you". I love you!
You rant...crazy girl. I love! I know how hard these decisions can be, I am praying for you.
Bre is right you know!
Post a Comment