one year ago

At exactly this hour exactly one year ago today, Kyle, Ella, Lindy and I were on our way to Dr. Kohatsu's office in Poway,CA to find out the sex of our baby!!

We would be moving to Wenatchee in exactly one week.

Just one last visit to Dr. Kohatsu; I was sad she wouldn't be delivering my baby since we were moving to Washington. I even teared up a little. Little did I know, she wouldn't be delivering Noah even if we had stayed in California.

"There's something on his neck... this is umbilical chord... and this isn't. See, this is umbilical chord, this isn't. You need to have another ultrasound at UCSD."

I will never forget those words as long as I live. The day my life changed forever. Sounds cliche but it's true.

At UCSD:

"He will be a very very sick baby, if he survives... about 50% chance survival rate... we have pictures if you want to see them... you have a few weeks if you want to terminate..."

At UW:
"...Do you want to discuss terminating this pregnancy??"

Me: "If you ask me that question one more time, I'm walking out of this office" (wanting to say, I'll punch you in the face).

I can't believe it's been a whole year. Thinking back to last fall, just how scary, fearful, and painful it was. Moving from California to a place where I had no friends to support me and cry with me. Thank God for my mom. Lots of stress trying to find a house, staying at my mom's in one bedroom... all the trips to Seattle. Most vividly I remember driving to Leavenworth for work and just reflecting, listening to worship music, and just breaking down in tears. On several different occasions. Last fall was a very dark time.

But in the darkness, there was light. I felt like I was just clinging on to God. Barely hanging on. My only stability was my faith. My God. My whole world was all messed up. It was truly the "footsteps" poem in action. I have no idea how I survived last fall and winter.

And in the most timely manner, spring showed up. Noah was born, I will never forget the first polaroid I saw of my son. It is still on the fridge. Wires and tubes going every which way and his sweet head tipped back and to the side so he could breathe. And that car trip back from Children's. It was a beautiful sunny day in Seattle the day we drove home on January 30th, just 10 days after he was born.

Slowly, life has gotten easier. Still scary, and his feeding needs can be overwhelming at times, (okay, this is an understatement, feeding has been HORRIBLE lately, we're experiencing major setbacks in this area! Noah was sick a little over a week ago and since then has not wanted to eat ANYTHING. If he does swallow something, his gag reflex is so strong that he pukes up whatever is in his stomach. Eating time is my least favorite, most stressful time of day... and Noah is still eating every 3 hours, 6 times a day! Over it.) But God has still been faithful. It's amazing what I've learned about God and about life this last year. Things I never would have learned without Noah. Everybody needs a little Noah in their life. For perspective, strength, and joy. He is the light of my life. The craziness of the world just seems to melt away when I look at him.

Lord, thank you for the hardest year of my life! Most of all, thank you for Noah. Lord may he come to know you by the character you are building in him, and the miracle of healing we are seeing right before our eyes in him! I used to think the miracles of the Bible were just that, stuck in the Bible. But miracles are happening everyday, right before our eyes, we just need to OPEN THEM!! I want to believe! Help me in my disbelief! Remind me everyday Lord that it is YOU that has spared my son and continues to heal him.


This second picture is from over a month ago... we're seeing lots more wrinkled skin since this picture was taken, it's just the most recent one that's been uploaded! And did I mention that Noah is crawling!? Lots of fun with his g-tube I might add!!!