Announcements first:
Noah's MRI has been rescheduled to July 13th, where we will (again) meet with his docs and surgeons to discuss the results! Praying for Noah to stay healthy so anesthesia is as low risk as possible and we can get this darn thing over with!
Also, we still haven't used Noah's tube since May 15th! Well, approximately... I don't remember consciously looking at the calendar and saying, this is the last time I'll feed him through his tube...:) But he is just eating so much I have to believe he is gaining weight! I am going to take him in to be weighed next week to make sure he is gaining, even if its a little bit I will be happy. He is definitely getting taller, but he is still a slim little man!
Blabbing second:
It's been interesting for me to reflect back on the way that I have reacted toward strangers when they look at Noah. At first, when he was so little, anytime we'd go out he'd either be in his car seat or in his baby bjorn, so nobody really said anything because they didn't see him very well. Then, as he got bigger and people started noticing that he looked different, I never wanted anyone to feel bad for looking because I know people are naturally curious, and I saw it as an opportunity to tell Noah's story. I liked talking about the miracle of Noah's life and how blessed we are with his progress, sweet temperament, etc.
Since spring hit this year, we spend a lot of time at the park and around other kids, and I've noticed lots of laughing, pointing, blunt little kids saying, "THAT BABY HAS REALLY BIG CHEEKS!", and for the most part it was harmless, but it definitely made me sad thinking what my son will have to go through in his life because he looks different. Just a little sad. Its easy for me to tell the kids "that's just the way God made him!" and the kids smile and run along.
But lately, I've started to get pissed at people and protective of Noah. Adults and children alike. Noah runs all over the place at the park, Costco, the grocery store... and for some reason I'm noticing lots more stares and whispers, and it's starting to really get under my skin! The mama bear in me just never wants Noah to feel like he is less beautiful than anyone else. He is such a gorgeous boy to me. My mom and I were talking, and we just don't see his big neck and cheek anymore. You look in this sweet boy's eyes and just melt!
I am okay with him being different, he obviously has a pretty important purpose in this life, and he has blessed our lives and changed us in so many ways. Like I've said in previous posts, I don't want to erase his LM and try to hide it like it never happened; it is a part of his story, even though it is not a part of him. I just never want him to feel like he is worth less than anyone because he simply LOOKS different!Because it is by these differences that God opens a door for grace.
I digress.
I'm just really struggling with how to deal with people and their reaction to Noah. One of my good friends Alexa advised me that it would make sense to approach it the way I would want Noah to react to it in the future. If I want him to smile at people and make them feel comfortable, and show them that his spirit has not been defeated by his circumstances, then that's how I should react.
But, I know that sometimes, Noah just might feel like punching people in the face for staring, because I sure do! I know this is totally not how Christ wants me to react! He is molding me so much with this trial in my life that you'd think I'd have a little more emotional and spiritual maturity at this point! Ideally, I want to react in a sweet way to people. But inside, I can't help that my heart is breaking for Noah. Even though I know it is making him a better, stronger man.
I'm sure this is part of the process that every parent of a child that looks or acts different has to go through, and I know the Lord will carry me through it. I'll probably react the wrong way a lot of times and eventually, be able to brush it off and not be so saddened by it. I better toughen up soon because I totally glared at like five people in Costco last week and I felt so guilty after!
Thanks for listening! What do you, my dear family and friends, recommend I do to get through these bitter feelings toward people, and how can I better react to them??
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About Noah
Our baby boy Noah Patrick was born on 1.20.09 with a lymphatic malformation on his neck. We are trusting in and relying on our sweet savior alone to heal Noah and carry our family through this storm.
To read the beginning of this crazy story and see the miracles God has worked so far,
CLICK HERE.
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2 comments:
I just can't imagine how you feel. I wont pretend to know.
I agree that you should react and model the behavior you want to see in your son. Acting like nothing is different isn't going to help, so addressing and owning it is the way to go. Honor his faults just as you would honor his gifts. Fault is not the right word for this situation, but the message is still good.
You're doing an amazing job in an equally amazing situation!
You'll all be in my prayers.
Andie
I am sorry, it's such a hard thing to watch your kids be sad, sick, picked on or anything. It's natural to want to protect your kids. My heart breaks for Noah and you, when I think of people making fun of such a sweet little guy. I think that you are doing great. You are such a strong sweet Mom.
My advise, although not worth much, just ignore them. Let them stare and continue to show them that you aren't different, and you are a happy little family raising a happy little guy. Once people see that side they will have nothing else to look at. Also remember most people do not mean harm and they don't recognize how much hurt it really does cause when they do stare. Those that do mean to be rude and make fun aren't even worth your time and energy.
They will see that although Noah may seem different on the outside he is just like everyone else on the inside, actually more strong and special. God never gives you things that you can't handle, although this is hard and it will be hard for Noah. You all will be greatly blessed, and trials make you a better and stronger person. It may be hard to see while you are going through but you will see it. Your family is so special and I am glad that I have you as my friend!
On a personal note, my husband and I have a friend that got in a four wheeling accident and was in a comma and nearly died. This accident left his face a little damaged, and one eye stays closed.
Now when I first met him I did notice and look at him. But I have to say that I never thought anything bad of him because of it.
As we have become pretty close friends with him I can honestly say that I don't even see it, just like you have said about Noah. People that meet him sometimes ask what happened and I will say what do you mean? Because I really truly just see him as him and don't even notice his physical impairment.
He is a happily married guy, with lots of friends and has learned to just recognize that he looks different but he is ok with that and most people are too.
I think one thing that may have helped him is he acts as if nothing is wrong with himself, and continues to do all the social, normal things everyone else does. Because why should he act any other way? But I think acting this way helps him make friends just like anybody else.
Love
Ashlie
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